Drunken Rant: Time Flys By Way Faster Than You Think...

 Holy Shit, What the Fuck?

    "Holy shit, what the fuck?" The first words that came to my mind as I decided to check Facebook for the first time in who knows how long...  A feeling of fleeting memories, nostalgia, and self hatred as I realize the past 10 years have flown by beyond any thought of my own.  "What the hell happened to me?"  "Just how much has the world changed?"  "How much have I Changed?" "How much have my friends changed?"  All questions that have come to me as I notice the world is leaving me behind...

10 Years is an Eternity....

    "How the fuck am I still alive?"  A question I ask myself  to this day, a question weighted by previous military experience, illness, and multiple near death experiences.  In a couple of months ill be turning 31,  both a blessing and a curse, a life so far living to the most extremes of emotional and physical being.

  10 years ago I was in the middle of a war fueled by rich bureaucrats and revenge only to be forgotten by political partisans.  Today, I'm an unemployed veteran living under the boot of a government and social hierarchy that chooses to view my skin color and junk as more important than my personality and accomplishments.  I'm treated as an "other," merely the result of a broken system, created by people who break the system in their favor...  And yet, here I am still alive and wishing that explosion in may of 2011 would've killed me...

Successes of Others....

    On my recent brief lurking of Facebook, I found that many others I grew up with, or served with, are living very successful and happy lives.  People who can smile normally in front of a camera, enjoy life as it is, have jobs, have friends, and be able to find something/ someone they can love.  Truthfully it disgusts me, but it also is a relief that those who I served with didn't end up in this depressing rut as I have.

    I do feel a bit blessed despite this continued depression and stagnation, a few people I checked out and used to be friends look like they're constantly drugged up to just make it through life as it is.  The feeling that I'm not doing as bad as them is certainly a reliving thought, though it makes me wonder how much further til I'm in the same boat as them?

Is this the Spark I needed?

   Is this the motivation I needed to finally get the fuck off of my ass and try to do something I've been aspiring to do? To be honest, I don't know....  In today's modern social-political climate, it feels like no matter what I do, it will end up as a failure.  Merely just suggesting a slightly centrist or conservative view, feels like an actual death sentence.  But what I do know is I can't continue on like I have been,  just living being both too stubborn to die, and too willed to just end it all.  

    I need to finally start working on what I want to, I need to start following my dreams, and not being afraid to fail.  Though that's some unearned confidence, and truthfully I couldn't even be bothered trying to achieve a goal I have all of the time in the world to do....  Ultimate it brings me back to questions in the start of this article, plus many more...

Conclusion

    To be honest, I have no idea how to end this thing, I'm sitting here sobering up while I pour my feelings out into a shitty blog post that maybe 10 people will see.  All I can say is these are the drunken ramblings of an aging combat veteran who has no place in society.  A person who has let everything slip by due to fear and cowardice.  All I have left to ask is, " What the hell happened to that person who survived a very intense Afghanistan campaign?"